Saturday, September 26, 2015

"Everybody be cool, it's just a normal day."

This is the post in which I tell you I am going to be better at posting on my blog. Even though it has been two years, this time is different.  Because in between working thirty hours a week and taking a full course load at school, I will find time to update my blog. You will politely chuckle as you stumble upon my words several months after they are posted; knowing we both understand it is just something that is said. This is the post where I update you on all of the things going on in my life.
 Well, I just did... did you miss it? 

Did you miss how I almost apologetically admitted I am going to school? I am only a student I tell you, a little bit embarrassed that I have not accomplished anything more at my age. I don't have some beautiful love story to post about, or adorable children. I have a dog. He is more stubborn than I am, hates having his picture taken and pouts when I come home late... every night. 

I am going to college. That wasn't so bad, right? I can say it with a little more confidence now, getting a feel for what I want to say. I have a job that is incredibly flexible so when I lose a six page paper a few hours before it is due, I can leave and stare a computer for three hours and try to throw something together. A few days later I will find out I got an A on my paper and my professor will encourage me to learn the rules of writing so that I can do something with my talents someday. My coworkers will be thrilled for me and feel better about me leaving in the middle of a Monday. They are proud of me; they celebrate my victories knowing they are making sacrifices for someone who wants to succeed. 

But for some reason, that is not enough; I am not doing enough; I am not enough.

No children, no career, no place of my own. In fact, I have been living with my parents for the past two years after spending eight years out of the house. I have good friends though, and they all want me around when I can be the life of the party. I made the Dean's list last term. Women everywhere think I am amazing and smart and beautiful. When I get an honest compliment from a woman, the first response from another woman is "why can only women see that?" Because without validation from a man; compliments from women mean nothing. 

Someday you will look back at this time in your life and it will seem like such a small moment you tell the computer screen, hoping the universe will somehow communicate it to me. But while I look at you, with your family and your children all I can think is, "what is wrong with me?" I want to be married, I want to have children. I want an eternal companion that will value me and will expect me to value him in return. We will work together to overcome the selfishness that comes with getting married at an older age than twenty one, and be frustrated together when people make comments about us not waiting to have children. 

You will read my words and know not how to react. She is supposed to be funny, you think to yourself. I think those things too. I think about how I am not allowed to have real feelings, because my role in life is a supporting actress, I am only here for the comedic relief. Please hear me when I tell you,  I appreciate the freedom my life offers. In an afternoon I can decide I am going to California for the weekend, just because I want to help one of my best friends with a street fair, and even if she decides not to participate in the street fair, we are going to have an amazing time together. The street fair was just an excuse to make plans. We will laugh and cry and make memories. It will be beautiful. I will not always have the freedom to be spontaneous. I look at the positive things and acknowledge them as positive and I keep trying to pretend the negative things are not negative. I will pretend that I am happily singing my way through this stage of my life and that I do not know what it feels like to have the fear of feeling like a failure hanging over my head every day. Because in the culture I live in, the culture I love despite it viewing me like I am not enough, if I never get married or have children, I am a failure.  

Maybe I shouldn't talk about it, maybe I should just smile and keep saying that I'm fine. Because that isn't a lie, I am fine. I'm better than fine. I am working to make my life better. Someday I will look back at this time in my life and roll my eyes at myself. Even though I am trying, every day I try to appreciate that I am going to school and have lots of support from my family. Every day I try and appreciate that I can work on aligning my will with the will of The Lord, without having to explain my choices to anyone. Every day I can work on feeling like I am enough. One day I will know. One day I will see that even now, as I write these confessions to you, afraid I am unable to communicate what I truly feel, I have always been enough. 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Confessions of a Summer Sales Rep

I knock doors for a living.

 What the heck was I thinking?

 I knock doors for a living?!

 Clearly I have lost my mind. Who leaves their job and everything that they love to knock doors and talk to people all day long?! As much as I knew that there were a lot of really really stupid people in this world, this isn't what I imagined at any point in any life goal or plan.

 About 2 months ago someone joked with me about selling alarm systems and for whatever reason it seemed like a good idea. I had been considering my options for a long time and I been wanting to get in school. I am 26, I've never done any higher education and I had really been feeling like it was time to take some initiative and it was time to get it done. So when someone I consider to be one of the best in the business told me that I would be good at this, I trusted him.

 I took my options to The Lord and started planning, it was confirmed so many times that I was supposed to be making these changes in my life. My housing contract sold right away, I started training my replacement and I was feeling really good about everything. Then we had a training in Vegas for the company and I was so overwhelmed that for the first time felt that I had made a mistake. I came home from Vegas and spent the next day trying to figure out if this was something I could do. When Sunday rolled around you can imagine that my mind was still racing with options and the entire focus of Sunday worship service was "I'll go where You want me to go" I had my answer.

 I finally made my move to DETROIT and started training for 2 days. The 3rd day I was on my own and IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I might be being dramatic but it literally felt like the worst. I was alone with my decision for the first time in 8 weeks and I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. I knew that I hadn't because I was so sure of my confirmation and I knew that The Lord wouldn't lead me astray. I knew he wouldn't send me out here to fail, right?! He wouldn't send me 1700 miles away from everyone that cares about me and that I care about just to watch me fail, right? I mean, that seems a little cruel. So I wrestled with my decision to leave, and when my friend that had undertaken this adventure with me decided that home and family were calling her back, I really struggled with my next course of action.

 I talked with my friends and family a lot the next few days, I'm sure some of them are still sick of hearing from me. I had never felt so alone and abandoned by God. Then I got really, really angry with God, and the next week was really tough for me, but I made a sale. It was a referral in Seattle, but it was still a sale and when they played my song in the morning meeting I was soaring. I couldn't believe how incredible that little success felt.

 Over the next couple of days I was encouraged to decide if this was something that I was actually doing, if making a couple bucks was worth the time spent away from my family and friends. Every day the managers would ask me if I was staying or going. It was heartbreaking to think that I was trying so hard everyday and they were all sitting back waiting for me to leave. There were comments daily that made me question my decision to stay, but every day in talking with The Lord I knew I still needed to be here. I was so frustrated by that answer, it would be so much easier if I could justify the move by saying that I needed to move home or some other reason for leaving my life in Provo. A couple of people told me that God could be setting me up to fail, because that was a lesson that I needed to learn. This of course sent me into a tailspin of questioning everything I had ever know about The Savior, and that made my situation worse. I was friendless and needed comfort in a way that I have never needed to be comforted and the only person I could turn to was the very same person that at this point I felt had left me high and dry. I tried to pinpoint what was causing so much turmoil in my heart. I have such a strong knowledge of God's love for all His children so how could I believe that I was any different? At one point, I was told, "maybe this is how you learn to pick up the pieces and move forward."

Then after even more frustrating news I had a talk with a good friend. In the most tender way possible, exactly what my fragile state of mind needed, she told me to put on my big girl pants, flip off the haters and the doubters and get it done, with all of the womanly strength that I posses. So I did just that. I called my manager and told him I was here to stay. After that I called one of the other managers and asked him to teach me how to sell alarms.

 Finally this week, I made a sale. Then, two days later... I made another sale.

 Thank you Gardner, for cutting me back. It was something I didn't know that I needed as desperately as the glimpse of what is in store for me has already showed me.

 I'm sorry for rambling on about this, this post is mostly therapeutic for me.

Monday, July 16, 2012

You Sure You Don't Want an Appetizer?

"Listen bro, I couldn't be any more sure of the fact that I don't want any FREAKING appetizers."

5 days ago I received a message from one of my online profiles that went a little something like this... "Something like this" obviously means that I have removed his name but kept everything else as written.

"Hi my name is ***** we have some similar intrists and i would like to get too know you more and go out on a date with you if you like too sometime. and you also have some gorgous eyes."

Naturally my response inquired about said "intrists" and because I hate myself and clearly don't believe that intelligent people want to date me, I eventually agreed to dinner... then lied to get out of the after dinner activity.

The next couple of days between setting up the date and actually going on the date were a little bit painful. I realized that our only real shared interest was the music from Glee, that he occasionally uses 'to' in the correct way, and 'too' is very much over and inappropriately used in its stead. His school system failed him and never taught him that ‘an’ should always be used if the next word in the sentence begins with a vowel sound. Such as shooting a animal as opposed to an animal. But if it’s a redneck deer it don’t matter either way.

At this point I'm sure many of you are asking why I agreed to go out with him in the first place, so let me just clear that up. I am overweight, more than just 'overweight' by medical standards and I am often judged for that in the "romantic" department. I get it. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and if you can't imagine sleeping with a more than chubby blonde girl I am not going to hate you for that. However, due to this fact I try very hard to be accepting of everyone. Well in the last few months this guy has lost 250lbs. Amazing! Phenomenal! Such an accomplishment. He still has another 200lbs or so to go and then he will definitely need skin removal surgery. So all of that factored in to my not being able to cancel this date, plus I always secretly hope that all fat guys are as funny as John Pinette, and y'all know I like to laugh.

I digress.

We meet at the restaurant, he had called me about a last minute venue change so I knew that he was already there. My first thought was "you should be standing because you want to make a good impression and be respectful, fail." My second thought was "you are wearing jorts (jean shorts) and a t-shirt that could be mistaken for a maxi dress if it weren't for the graphic" My third thought, as he slid over to make room for me as we waited for our table, was "what the hell is that smell?!"

We are finally, mercifully, shown to our seats and we were left alone to converse. He starts looking over the menu and asks if I would like an appetizer, I decline. I am told that I can have one if I want so, go ahead, again I decline and insist that I'm fine. Once more before our server comes to take our drink order I decline an appetizer. Our server approaches, goes over the menu with us, takes our drink orders and inquires about an appetizer. At this point, his response should have been 'No thank you' Instead he points at me and tells the waiter it is up to me to decide, once again... I decline, politely, while thinking “Listen bro, I couldn't be any more sure of the fact that I don't want any FREAKING appetizers, and you can’t actually be throwing money in my face as a way to impress me.”

Fortunately our date only lasted 47minutes, but there was plenty of awkwardness, no conversation skills and lots of redneck. He had these skin tags on his neck and face that he kept playing with all during dinner and it was freaking/grossing me out. I was invited to church with him. He invited himself to church with me, asked me out for a second date over dinner on our fist date. I just went ahead and avoided answering that question. He text me his desire for me to want to do something with him again before he pulled out of the parking lot.

The next morning I received a text inquiring about my interest to which I responded that we are just very different people.

I deactivated my online profile this morning.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Baby, When I Am Laid to Rest...

I received a challenge to list 10 things a day I'm thankful for each day this week. I forgot to write them down last night, but I thought today was a good day to start.


1- I'm thankful that my step-brother lets me ride to Idaho with him so that I can see my family more often.

2- That I have such wonderful friends who don't let me go a single day without knowing that I am loved.

3- My family and the laughter that we have shared through the good and bad.

4- My baby sister's willingness to forgive me for being an idiot sometimes.

5- My job and the ability I have to work.

6- That music can touch my very soul and help me find the desire to change.

7- Living in this time, in this place with the fullness of the gospel and the freedom to live it.

8- Those good people who give up their lives and change their plans to serve in the military.

9- My grandpa, for helping me understand that everyone deserves to be loved.

10-My dad, for the person that he was and the things I'm still learning from him.

I would invite everyone to join me in writing down the things that they are grateful for this season as well.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Much to Young to feel....

I turned 24 a couple months ago and I have been feeling a bit old... I know, I'm not and I have a wholelottalifeleft... but I was still feeling it. So I decided that I'm going to take the summer and do WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT and if you have a problem with it you can find someone else to hang out with... jkjk but seriously... I'm taking the summer to be myself, do what that self wants and love every minute of it. So I've set some goals... this is actually only part of my list, the other ones might be a bit boring but this is going to happen.

Summer Goals:

Make a soundtrack
Spanish Fork Wild West Days
Hike the Y
Hike to Grotto
Go Skinny Dipping
Hike Timp
River Rafting
Trampoline w/Sprinklers
Take the boys to the park
Go to an Owls game
Go to the Reservoir
Camp at Sand Hollow
Plan, Host a Luau
Run a 5K
Zion's National Park
Museum of Ancient Life
Go to the Dinosaur Museum
Hike Stewart Falls
Go to Antelope Island
Float SF River
Spanish Fork Pool
Cliff Jump
Make Curry

I might be to busy to post any of it, I mean, I don't usually make time to post as is and I'm not trying to do 54 things in 18 weeks but I at some point, I will be looking through my pictures and NEED to post about my adventures so this is my heads up.

Also, if you so feel inclined CALL ME and ask me how my goals are going. I'm usually good for a story or two... I'll try to keep it interesting.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

So I Met This Guy Online...

Ke$ha sings a song that describes me life. So do a few other people. So I would like to dedicate them the the people they go out to, every time they come on my stereo.

Dinosaur By Ke$ha: This goes out to the 56 Yr old man with 7 children that tried to Favorite me on a dating website. Most applicable lyric:"You should be prowling around the Old folk's home Come on dude!Leave us alone"

More Boys I Meet by Carrie Underwood: Dedicated to all the boys that have taken me on dates. Click Here for more details. Most applicable lyric:"Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste"

This Is My Now By Jordin Sparks: This goes out to everyone who cheers for me at Karaoke. Because my life wouldn't be the same with out you. Most applicable lyric:"This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment As I look around I can’t believe the love I see"

The Power by Love You Long Time: This song I would like to dedicate to myself, it helps me remember that I am responsible for the life I live. Awesome or Not. Most applicable lyric:"Who's got the power, I've got the power, who's got the power, you got the power so whatcha gonna do with it."

Crazy By Simple Plan: Dedicated to The United States of America. Most applicable lyric: The whole song. Just listen, it's worth it.

Paper Gangsta By Lady GaGa: Dan the Jelly Man, this is for you. Most applicable lyric:"Cause I do not accept any less than someone just as real, as fabulous"

Oh Darling by Plug in Stereo ft Cady Groves: I would actually love it if that cute boy at church would dedicate this song to me. Most applicable lyric: "If you'd ask me for my heart there's no way that I'll say no."

Start Me Up/Living On a Prayer by Glee Cast(thank you Bon Jovi and The Rolling Stones for making this mash up possible): I would like to dedicate this song to Kris, we've been through thick and thicker and funny and funnier and then some not very funny at all, and we're still good friends. Most applicable Lyric: "You live for the fight, when it's all that you've got."

Firework By Katy Perry: With this dedication a letter is required. Dear B- change some lives out there. Make a difference. Other B- you too! Also, if both of you could come back safe and sound it would mean the world to me. -Love Amanda


Saturday, January 8, 2011

All The Christmas I Can Handle

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away.
This year to save me from tears...

... my uncle got himself arrested.

Let me start by saying, my family isn't capable of having a normal family gathering. There always has to be some drama or craziness of another sort. Let me just document my trip for you.
Wednesday I woke up early feeling only slightly recovered from my bout of the stomach flu and began my journey north at 8:45am. After a terrible drive in the snow (admittedly going faster than I should) I make it my mom's place at 12:50pm. My uncle was working on his truck and then caused us some major delays, so when I was just about to the end of my rope we got on the road to head to my sisters house. (it was now about 10pm)
We finally get underway and we had to take a minor detour so we got separated. Again, we get underway and get to a point that we should be catching up to Uncle Louis any minute. We see someone pulled over on the off ramp to Jerome, ID. Cop car behind a little Nissan pickup truck, piled high with junk and we realize just past the exit that the poor soul is Louis. Once we have made this remarkable discovery this is the dialogue that follows...

Mom "Umm, Louis doesn't have a license"
Me "WHAT?! What do you mean he doesn't have a license?"
Mom "He didn't pay a speeding ticket that he got in California."
Me "Oh, great! Well, he's going to get arrested and his truck is getting impounded."
Mom "I'm sure it won't be that bad..."
Me "Sure, sure. It won't be that bad."

Well guess what? It was in fact THAT bad. By the time that we got back around to the exit ramp Louis was in jail, his dog was in the pound, he had two riffles in his truck that were in evidence and his truck was being loaded on to the tow truck. Well my mom talked the cop into getting the dog and the guns for free and we paid the tow truck guy to drop the truck in a parking lot for $125 instead of the impound lot for $200. All and all, I would say it was a fairly productive chat with the officer.
We talked to the jail, and they told us to call a bail bondsman. After going back and forth and the woman at the jail, and her unwillingness to help giving us any information at all... she suggested we find a phonebook at a gas station to find a number for someone that could help us. Off we go in search of a phone book and we stumble upon the 'Oasis' a little run down gas station in downtown Jerome.
Once inside the woman behind the counter was very helpful, she told us about a bondsman that she had worked with before and he had a good reputation. So we call him and go back and forth for a while and he tells us that it would cost $2000 to get him out tonight because my mom lived more than 25miles from where the 'incident' took place. In fact she lived 65 miles away. So out we go to the car to give my little sister the news, and figure out what we are going to do. We talked about just going to my sisters anyway and letting him figure his own way home after all he got himself into this mess, he should be able to get out of it. We realize that we have his keys and he has no way of knowing where his truck is, so I wonder out loud if we can maybe leave him a note with the jail that they can put with his things so if he gets out tomorrow he can figure it out.
I run back inside to ask if she knows where the jail is and right as she is about to tell me this guy walks in, let me remind you... it's 1:30am in a gas station in Jerome, Idaho. He looks at me and says, "HEY! How ya doing? It's been a long time." I look at him, this man with greasy hair and tattered clothing, could be homeless. I've never seen him in my life. My response "Ya like forever." "Ya, it's been a while" he says. "No, sir. I have never seen you in my life." "No, I know you... you're a little older now, not that you're old but you know." I say "I'm actually from Utah so I really don't think you do."
"Ya, Granite High School, Granite Jr. High, Alta 'Go Hawks' (with a fist pump)"
"Negative Chief, how old are you?"
"46" he replies.
"Ya, we didn't go to school at the same time... besides, I'm from Provo"
He responds "Oh! Ya! I spent 15 years in Provo. Locked up in the insane asylum down there, for trying to kill my dad. That's usually when you find out that you're crazy when you try to kill your folks."
I smile and say "Oh right, usually" as the woman behind the counter chuckles. Then he looks at her (she has dark skin and dark hair, obviously ethnic) and says "Is this your daughter? (gesturing to me)" We look at each other and both laugh "no".
He finally leaves and she tells me where the jail is and we head over only to face rejection and disappointment. Realizing that he's not getting out until tomorrow and we aren't going anywhere I tell my mom I want to head back to her house, he wasn't getting arraigned until 1pm the next day and I just wanted to get some sleep and take a shower. We head over to check the truck and make sure that it's still in 1 piece with most of the garbage still attached. It's fine, no noticeable disturbances and my mom says "we should probably sleep here tonight, make sure nothing happens." We are 65 miles from a bed and a shower and we sleep in a parking lot to make sure that nothing happens to the garbage that is my uncle's truck. AWESOME.
Don't worry, my story isn't over yet. The next day we go to court and he was released on his own recognizance. (It means we didn't have to pay a fine) The judge states, we ask that you DO NOT OPERATE ANY VEHICLES until you are properly licensed to do so. So we make room for him in our car and pick him up from the jail. He gets in the car, and says take me to my truck. We try and convince him to let us park it at my mom's house but he won't have anything to do with that. So I get volunteered to drive the garbage truck out of the county so that he won't get caught again.
Let me tell you about the truck. The door doesn't shut from the inside, because he backed into a pole. The window doesn't roll all the way up and the handle is broken off so you have to use a wrench to do anything with it. The heater doesn't work, the blinkers don't work and the license plate was registered to a different car. It was so full of garbage that I couldn't find the gear shift and it smells so bad the officer had asked him if he had any dead bodies in the truck when he first stepped up to the window the night before. He hands me the keys and says, it's easy to drive. FALSE! Let me tell you just how easy it was to drive, it doesn't go into first gear. My first car was stick shift and I think I stalled it twice in the 2 years that I drove it. I stalled his truck 10 times just trying to find 1st gear. It was just awful. It doesn't go above 55 on the highway and you apparently I'm freakishly tall because my knees were up against the steering wheel the whole time I was driving. (only about 20miles and then I couldn't see through the fog so I figured the coppers couldn't either.)
The horror was finally over, and we had all had a pretty good abdominal workout laughing at the fact that this would happen to us. I couldn't have been happier. But just so you don't all think my uncle is to bad of a guy, he didn't get pulled over for speeding. He was choking on some chicken and stopped on the exit ramp and when the cop pulled up to see if he was ok, he carted him off to jail for not having a license. The cop was doing his job and I'm not blaming anyone or anything like that. Had I been in that situation I would have been grateful for the help(but then again, I have a valid driver's license. ;D)