I knock doors for a living.
What the heck was I thinking?
I knock doors for a living?!
Clearly I have lost my mind. Who leaves their job and everything that they love to knock doors and talk to people all day long?! As much as I knew that there were a lot of really really stupid people in this world, this isn't what I imagined at any point in any life goal or plan.
About 2 months ago someone joked with me about selling alarm systems and for whatever reason it seemed like a good idea. I had been considering my options for a long time and I been wanting to get in school. I am 26, I've never done any higher education and I had really been feeling like it was time to take some initiative and it was time to get it done. So when someone I consider to be one of the best in the business told me that I would be good at this, I trusted him.
I took my options to The Lord and started planning, it was confirmed so many times that I was supposed to be making these changes in my life. My housing contract sold right away, I started training my replacement and I was feeling really good about everything. Then we had a training in Vegas for the company and I was so overwhelmed that for the first time felt that I had made a mistake. I came home from Vegas and spent the next day trying to figure out if this was something I could do. When Sunday rolled around you can imagine that my mind was still racing with options and the entire focus of Sunday worship service was "I'll go where You want me to go" I had my answer.
I finally made my move to DETROIT and started training for 2 days. The 3rd day I was on my own and IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I might be being dramatic but it literally felt like the worst. I was alone with my decision for the first time in 8 weeks and I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. I knew that I hadn't because I was so sure of my confirmation and I knew that The Lord wouldn't lead me astray. I knew he wouldn't send me out here to fail, right?! He wouldn't send me 1700 miles away from everyone that cares about me and that I care about just to watch me fail, right? I mean, that seems a little cruel. So I wrestled with my decision to leave, and when my friend that had undertaken this adventure with me decided that home and family were calling her back, I really struggled with my next course of action.
I talked with my friends and family a lot the next few days, I'm sure some of them are still sick of hearing from me. I had never felt so alone and abandoned by God. Then I got really, really angry with God, and the next week was really tough for me, but I made a sale. It was a referral in Seattle, but it was still a sale and when they played my song in the morning meeting I was soaring. I couldn't believe how incredible that little success felt.
Over the next couple of days I was encouraged to decide if this was something that I was actually doing, if making a couple bucks was worth the time spent away from my family and friends. Every day the managers would ask me if I was staying or going. It was heartbreaking to think that I was trying so hard everyday and they were all sitting back waiting for me to leave. There were comments daily that made me question my decision to stay, but every day in talking with The Lord I knew I still needed to be here. I was so frustrated by that answer, it would be so much easier if I could justify the move by saying that I needed to move home or some other reason for leaving my life in Provo. A couple of people told me that God could be setting me up to fail, because that was a lesson that I needed to learn. This of course sent me into a tailspin of questioning everything I had ever know about The Savior, and that made my situation worse. I was friendless and needed comfort in a way that I have never needed to be comforted and the only person I could turn to was the very same person that at this point I felt had left me high and dry. I tried to pinpoint what was causing so much turmoil in my heart. I have such a strong knowledge of God's love for all His children so how could I believe that I was any different? At one point, I was told, "maybe this is how you learn to pick up the pieces and move forward."
Then after even more frustrating news I had a talk with a good friend. In the most tender way possible, exactly what my fragile state of mind needed, she told me to put on my big girl pants, flip off the haters and the doubters and get it done, with all of the womanly strength that I posses. So I did just that. I called my manager and told him I was here to stay. After that I called one of the other managers and asked him to teach me how to sell alarms.
Finally this week, I made a sale. Then, two days later... I made another sale.
Thank you Gardner, for cutting me back. It was something I didn't know that I needed as desperately as the glimpse of what is in store for me has already showed me.
I'm sorry for rambling on about this, this post is mostly therapeutic for me.