Monday, July 16, 2012

You Sure You Don't Want an Appetizer?

"Listen bro, I couldn't be any more sure of the fact that I don't want any FREAKING appetizers."

5 days ago I received a message from one of my online profiles that went a little something like this... "Something like this" obviously means that I have removed his name but kept everything else as written.

"Hi my name is ***** we have some similar intrists and i would like to get too know you more and go out on a date with you if you like too sometime. and you also have some gorgous eyes."

Naturally my response inquired about said "intrists" and because I hate myself and clearly don't believe that intelligent people want to date me, I eventually agreed to dinner... then lied to get out of the after dinner activity.

The next couple of days between setting up the date and actually going on the date were a little bit painful. I realized that our only real shared interest was the music from Glee, that he occasionally uses 'to' in the correct way, and 'too' is very much over and inappropriately used in its stead. His school system failed him and never taught him that ‘an’ should always be used if the next word in the sentence begins with a vowel sound. Such as shooting a animal as opposed to an animal. But if it’s a redneck deer it don’t matter either way.

At this point I'm sure many of you are asking why I agreed to go out with him in the first place, so let me just clear that up. I am overweight, more than just 'overweight' by medical standards and I am often judged for that in the "romantic" department. I get it. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and if you can't imagine sleeping with a more than chubby blonde girl I am not going to hate you for that. However, due to this fact I try very hard to be accepting of everyone. Well in the last few months this guy has lost 250lbs. Amazing! Phenomenal! Such an accomplishment. He still has another 200lbs or so to go and then he will definitely need skin removal surgery. So all of that factored in to my not being able to cancel this date, plus I always secretly hope that all fat guys are as funny as John Pinette, and y'all know I like to laugh.

I digress.

We meet at the restaurant, he had called me about a last minute venue change so I knew that he was already there. My first thought was "you should be standing because you want to make a good impression and be respectful, fail." My second thought was "you are wearing jorts (jean shorts) and a t-shirt that could be mistaken for a maxi dress if it weren't for the graphic" My third thought, as he slid over to make room for me as we waited for our table, was "what the hell is that smell?!"

We are finally, mercifully, shown to our seats and we were left alone to converse. He starts looking over the menu and asks if I would like an appetizer, I decline. I am told that I can have one if I want so, go ahead, again I decline and insist that I'm fine. Once more before our server comes to take our drink order I decline an appetizer. Our server approaches, goes over the menu with us, takes our drink orders and inquires about an appetizer. At this point, his response should have been 'No thank you' Instead he points at me and tells the waiter it is up to me to decide, once again... I decline, politely, while thinking “Listen bro, I couldn't be any more sure of the fact that I don't want any FREAKING appetizers, and you can’t actually be throwing money in my face as a way to impress me.”

Fortunately our date only lasted 47minutes, but there was plenty of awkwardness, no conversation skills and lots of redneck. He had these skin tags on his neck and face that he kept playing with all during dinner and it was freaking/grossing me out. I was invited to church with him. He invited himself to church with me, asked me out for a second date over dinner on our fist date. I just went ahead and avoided answering that question. He text me his desire for me to want to do something with him again before he pulled out of the parking lot.

The next morning I received a text inquiring about my interest to which I responded that we are just very different people.

I deactivated my online profile this morning.